Why Does My Kid Hate Me?

One thing I wasn’t prepared for heading into fatherhood was my kid not liking me. (Another topic not covered in the "Hey, Let’s Have a Baby!" manual.) I was expecting the whole "daddy’s little girl" thing -- I thought was a given. "They're definitely daddy's little girl!" I always heard my mother say about my brother's daughters. Olivia is three, and I'm still not getting that.

When your baby tells you, "Get away from me, Daddy," and they start hitting you and pushing you away, it stings. Once or twice, you shrug it off: "She’s just being a toddler," you think. But when it happens over an extended period of time, it wears on you, and most days you're fine with it, after all, you're a grown man, you can deal. And some days you want to yell "I don't like you either!" and slam the bedroom door on her.

But sometimes, it just makes you want to hang your head and walk away, giving her exactly what she seems to want. It cuts deep. Life’s hard enough as it is—dealing with rejection, disappointments, and setbacks. Not landing a single job interview in six months. Realizing you don’t even have one solid friend to call up for a beer, and how impossible it feels to make new ones at this stage of life. And then, when your own kid pushes you away? It stings in a way that’s hard to describe. You start wondering, ‘Is it me? Am I the problem here? I’m the common denominator in all of this, after all.

What can prepare you for that? Honestly, nothing.

You tell yourself it’s just a stage. But then after a long time you begin to think the most dreadful outcome: "Is this how it’s always going to be between us? Is this the beginning of a crack in the foundation of our relationship, one that’ll set the tone for the rest of our lives?" Because, let’s be real, not all kids have great relationships with their parents. Some kids drift away. Some don’t look to their parents for comfort or connection.

I know it sounds over dramatic. It probably is. We can't see into the future. But until you’re standing in the middle of what feels like your toddler’s rejection, day in and day out, it gets you, man.

However, I came to an important realization, one I finally found solace in. I discovered that the only time Olivia rejects me is when my wife is around. It’s not that she doesn’t like me, it's that she's really attached to my wife. The backup QB is great for a fill, but it's the starter that's getting you to the Superbowl. My wife is really really good at being a mom. She’s calm, nurturing, intuitive—she will sit on the floor and interact with her all day doing puzzles, drawing with crayons and playing with Play Doh. Admittedly, I probably spend more time watching TV with her, or just ignoring her when I'm on my laptop trying to get work done. What can I expect?

But also, and this is a BIG ONE.... there are times when I still treat her like she's still a baby, thinking she’s too young to understand things. But that’s just not true. She’s not a baby anymore. She’s a little person with real thoughts, someone you can actually talk to. Maybe that’s part of what’s going on—she’s reacting to the way I treat her. Like, ‘This guy treats me like a baby. I get more out of my time with Mommy; it feels more fulfilling." And when she’s with her mom, getting all those vibes, I'm a threat to it.

So, look. It happens. I can't say for sure if it happens with boys (though I'm a few weeks away from finding out!) If you’re going through this, you’re not alone. According to Dr. Tovah Klein, a leading expert on toddler development, this behavior is common and temporary. Klein explains that toddlers often cling to the parent they feel the most comfort with at any given time, and as they grow more independent, these preferences can shift. In fact, many toddlers who favor one parent go on to have healthy, balanced relationships with both as they develop.

So, while I’m over here thinking I’m Anthony Young, it’s not that my kid dislikes me. She’s just more attached to the parent who, in this season of her life, is providing her with the comfort she needs most.

I still have a role, and it’s my job to keep showing up -- even if she’s telling me to get away. One day, when the tides shift and she comes running to me, I’ll be there, just like I always was.

So if you're living it too, it just means they’re growing, learning, and going through another phase. Keep showing up and the phase will most certainly pass.

Just remember:

Don't treat your toddler like a baby.