When They Start Talking Back (and Their Love of NO.)

When Your Toddler Starts Talking Back and Saying “No” All the Time

So, Olivia is 3 years old. She’s at that age where she’s learning the art of negotiation and testing boundaries with the finesse of a seasoned trial lawyer. One minute she’s singing “Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star” like a future Broadway star, and the next, she’s throwing herself on the floor at the grocery store because I dared suggest we buy two popsicles instead of three. And don’t even get me started on “No.” I don’t know if there’s a toddler out there who isn’t fully committed to that word, but Olivia has definitely made it her life’s mission to use it as much as possible.

But it’s not just the “no” that gets you. It’s the attitude that comes with it. The little eye rolls. The dramatic sighs. The scoff that’s a little too grown-up for her age. If you’ve got a toddler who’s just discovered the power of speaking their mind, you’re in for an adventure. And by “adventure,” I mean it’s going to test your patience and your sense of humor. And maybe your sanity, but who’s counting?

The Realization: This Is Normal, Sort Of

When it first started happening, I kept thinking, Am I doing something wrong? Is Olivia’s newfound sassiness a result of me failing as a dad? Maybe Sarah and I were raising a future reality show contestant who throws tantrums for fun. It took a bit of Googling and a couple of late-night parenting forums to realize that, no, this isn’t the result of a parenting fail. It’s actually a sign of growth. Seriously.

According to child development experts, talking back and saying “no” is actually a healthy part of a toddler’s development. At this age, they’re learning to express independence, developing their own sense of self, and understanding that their voice matters. Basically, they’re figuring out that they’re little people with opinions—and they’re not afraid to let you know what those opinions are, even if they’re not exactly what you want to hear.

What Experts Say (and What They Don’t Say)

Experts recommend a few things when dealing with a toddler’s newfound love of “no” and sassy remarks. One major takeaway is to keep your cool. I know, I know. Easier said than done when your kid just yelled “No!” and threw a piece of toast at your head because you told them it was time to put on their shoes. But consistency and staying calm are what experts say can help guide them to better communication habits.

Child psychologist Dr. Jane Smith (who I just made up, but you get it) says, “Reacting with frustration only adds fuel to the fire. Stay calm, respond with patience, and let your child know their feelings are valid.” Olivia, at this stage, isn’t always going to see that I’m the dad and, therefore, inherently smarter. (If only.) Instead, she’s testing to see how far she can push. And the moment I get flustered or react with a loud “No!” of my own, she’s probably going to do the toddler version of a victory dance.

Approaching It Without Losing Your Mind

Now, when it comes to actually approaching it, here are a few things I’ve learned, some of which might actually work for you too:

1. Pick Your Battles: Is it worth the fight if she says “no” to wearing socks that aren’t the “right” color? Probably not. If it doesn’t have long-term consequences, let it slide. Trust me, you’ll want to save your energy for when it really matters.

2. Stay Consistent: This is one of those “easier said than done” things. When I let Olivia eat cookies before dinner one night because I was feeling guilty about my bad dad dance moves, the next night when I said no, she looked at me like I had just told her I was selling her toys. It’s like, in her mind, there are no rules. But, if you stay consistent, they start to catch on. Kind of like when you realize that every time you say “no” to the third popsicle, you actually mean it.

3. Use Humor When You Can: I’m not saying that every time your kid says “no” you should bust out a stand-up routine, but sometimes a well-timed joke can defuse a tantrum before it starts. I once told Olivia, “Okay, but what if we eat the cookie together?” She paused, raised an eyebrow, and then said, “Yes, Daddy.” At least we know she’s got a future in politics if things don’t work out.

4. Offer Choices: There’s something about giving a toddler control that makes them think they’re winning. For example, instead of “Do you want to put on your shoes now?” I ask, “Do you want to wear the red shoes or the blue ones?” Either way, I win. But she feels like she made the choice, and that’s what matters to her.

5. Model the Behavior You Want to See: Olivia can be a little parrot sometimes. If I say, “I don’t like that,” she’s sure to repeat it back to me at the worst possible time, in the grocery store, just loud enough for the entire line to hear. So, I try to model a little more patience and a little less “no” myself.

But Why Does It Feel Like a Battle?

It’s worth mentioning that when your toddler starts throwing “no” around like it’s confetti, it can be hard not to take it personally. You’re not being rejected as a parent; they’re just testing their boundaries. That’s their job. They’re not saying, “I don’t like you”; they’re saying, “I’m trying to figure out who I am and what I can do.”

In my experience, staying present in the moment helps. Maybe it’s the humor, maybe it’s the fact that Olivia is just adorable when she’s stubborn, but I try to remember that even the most frustrating moments don’t last forever. And, even if I don’t know all the answers, I’m learning as I go—and that counts for something, right?

So, to the dads out there who are currently in the thick of it: stay grounded, stay patient, and maybe invest in a pair of noise-canceling headphones for your sanity. It’s all part of the ride. And if nothing else, enjoy the sass—it’ll make for great stories at her wedding one day.