You're a Couple First, Parents Second

When you become a parent, you’re thrust into the epic roles of Mom and Dad with all the weight, wonder, and a touch of comedy that these titles imply. And for most of us, the transition is natural. Each parent slips into their roles almost automatically—Mom taking on the nurturing, detail-oriented, multi-tasking superhero; Dad bringing his own brand of love, structure, and maybe a bit of dad humor. There’s no manual, but our instincts kick in, and our focus sharpens on this tiny human who now runs the household.

But what we don’t always realize is that this hyper-focus can sometimes eclipse our other critical role: as partners. And the thing is — your kids are watching every second of it. It's critical to remember -- but so easy to overlook -- the example we set in how we treat each other as parents and partners which undoubtedly shapes their own understanding of relationships.  Take it from someone who comes from parents that were anything but models for how spouses should treat each other, which is why I'm hyper aware of it.

The Trap

When our daughter was born, my wife and I fell into our respective roles as parents with intense focus.  She was a nurse so she worked two 12-hour shifts a week leaving me with Olivia for 13 straight hours in her absence. So Olivia had no sight of her mother for the entire day (other than FaceTime) — just me bumbling my way through meals, dirty diapers and naps that never took. But when my wife was here, she was HERE. My wife is super attentive to Olivia, always engaging with her, they are truly attached at the hip. So when my wife is gone for a full day, the lack of her presence is felt. That doesn't mean Olivia doesn't like spending the days with just me. In fact, I joke with my wife that it's like she thinks its a "day off" for her -- she watches more TV, she gets more treats, you get the picture. I'm like the substitute teacher. No one's getting any real work done.

So when my wife is home, I kind of drift into the background. This was the rhythm: time with Dad, then time with Mom. We operated in a kind of tag-team parenting style that, while necessary, created a bit of a vacuum. After a while, I noticed something subtle yet significant: I began to worry that perhaps Olivia didn’t see me and my wife as a couple; she saw us as two separate entities. She saw Mom being “Mom” and Dad being “Dad.” She didn’t see the universe we’d built before she arrived—one where we were a couple first. We didn’t do lovey-dovey things we used to do as much as we did before. Like we were always tickling Olivia, but we were never tickling each other. I noticed this because I used to tickle my wife all the time into fits of laughter. But I stopped—not intentionally. It’s not that I didn’t want to tickle my wife anymore; it didn't come to mind. Olivia had become such a central part of our lives, everything we do seems to revolve around her. And, of course, habits form when you repeat them long enough. The love was there, but it was quietly hidden behind our parenting roles.

I felt our daughter was missing out on an important relationship model we could have been setting better. What she was seeing was two people, totally devoted to her, but not showing an equal amount of love towards one another.

The crazy part about all this is that it started with me thinking I should model affection towards my wife for my daughter’s sake. I literally had this moment of, ‘Okay, you need to show more affection in front of her,’ but the truth is, I should be showing my wife affection whether Olivia’s watching or not! That realization hit hard. It felt like a spotlight on where I might be slacking as a husband.

I mean, I love my wife, I treasure her—my feelings haven’t changed. It’s just that throwing a little human in the mix changes EVERYTHING, every focus. It's like the gravitational pull shifts, and you have to consciously remind yourself that the world you and your wife built together was here first, and it still matters.

Why it Matters.

Studies have shown time and again that children who grow up witnessing a strong, loving relationship between their parents are more likely to develop healthy relationships themselves. Kids pick up on everything: the way you talk to each other, support each other, and handle disagreements. According to the Gottman Institute, children observe and mimic not only the dynamics between their parents but also the underlying emotional foundation. The time and effort you put into your relationship with your partner doesn’t just benefit the two of you; it sets a powerful example for your children.

So how did I personally go about balancing parenthood with partnership?

1. Spontaneous Moments of Affection

The smallest of gestures count. Physical affection. Kiss your partner every time you leave or enter the house anytime you're gone for more than an hour. Dance in the kitchen while waiting for the coffee to brew, or tickle... damn it, tickle!

2. Make Time for Each Other

This is an obvious one, you hear this one all the time, but for good reason. You have to make time for each other. For a long time I thought watching TV together at the end of the day was enough, and while it's always good to snuggle up on the couch together and binge watch the latest Netflix series, leaving the house and going on dates takes you off the battleground together. There's no other purpose than to spend time together.

3. Let Them See You as a Team

It hit me one night during our usual after-dinner routine. I’d head to the sink for dish duty, while my wife would go upstairs with Olivia for the bedtime ritual—bath, pajamas, bedtime stories. And just like that, ‘our team’ separated. We were missing out on a solid chance to be together. The bedtime routine is perfect for that; it’s not just background noise. It’s nightly, it’s intentional, and it has a purpose—it’s the ideal time to ‘couple up’ and go through it together. Now, we’re realistic—we can’t pull it off every night, not even close. But just doing it once a week is enough.

4. Laugh Through the Chaos Together

This one’s easy—and it’s one of the best parts! No one ever told me how much you’d end up laughing together because of your kid. I’ve come to really treasure those moments when we’re cracking up, replaying some of the wild or hilarious things Olivia did that day. It’s such an effortless way to connect; now, before we unwind with Netflix, we’ll spend 15 minutes just reminiscing over all the things Olivia did.

5. Model Respect & Kindness Towards Each Other

Our pastor, Andy Stanley, had this thing he always told his kids. He gave them two simple rules: 1) Never lie, and 2) Always respect your mother. Of course, respect your father too, but the reason he left that off was because he wanted to model it instead. He believed that by consistently showing respect to their mother, he’d set a powerful example—one that would earn their respect naturally and show them what real respect looks like. This way, they’d come to see respect as something lived out rather than just another rule.

The Long Game: Why This Matters

It’s easy to get lost in the demands of parenting and let your relationship slip to the background. But in the long run, showing your children what a loving partnership looks like is as important as the lessons you teach them about manners or kindness. When they grow up, they’ll remember those moments of laughter, affection, and respect between you and your partner—and they’ll understand that being a great parent also means being a great partner.

So, if you’re like us, caught in the whirlwind of raising a little one, maybe take a second to look up from the chaos. Share a smile, hold hands, let your child see you as more than just Mom and Dad. Let them see the love that started it all.

And tickle.

Tickle. Tickle. Tickle.